I wrote this down some time ago:
I think most people are fooled by my appearance. Just the other day, mum was telling me about her friend who said: your daughter is so nice, quiet, ladylike and what not.. Mum told the family this at the dinner table. Wrong timing!
My whole family found it hilarious and burst out laughing. Dad was almost choking on his rice for laughing too hard. Kevin and Winnie were sniggering. Mum (laughing at my indignant expression) said she replied her friend: don't you be fooled by her appearance! Of all three children, she has the worst temper and scolds/swears almost all the time at everyone. See-crew mannn..
Mum is so mistaken, right?? Haihh.
I suppose that I am pretty quiet and shy most of the time: at work, in the office, especially in front of people I don't know well, out with cs' friends, sometimes even my own friends. I hardly initiate conversation at work, unless it is to ask my colleagues about work-related stuff.
I especially have a hard time talking to girls cos they intimidate me more than the guys. I don't know why or how this came to be. Actually, I suppose with guys, I can try to charm them with my looks. No, I don't think I am attractive, but I can be er..quite charming?! Haha now I sound quite thick skinned!
This has been the case ever since I can remember. I think that being put down too often as a child has quite an effect on my personality, hence the shyness.
I attribute this as one of the reasons why I drink so much (I am not proud of this).
An ex-boyfriend told me before that I am different before and after I drink. An ex-colleague told me: I like you more after you drink. You're too quiet. This happens quite often, I realize.
Dammit. This does not make me feel better. I am very aware of this but have no idea how to change this. I suppose I hide my shyness and non-confidence pretty well when I am out in public.
Oh well. At least there is one person I can be truly myself with. Even when we were friends, I didn't need to hide anything. I could just be myself, and tell him anything. And even more so now..