Thursday, 16 September 2010

The almost rebel

It is 330am and I just got back from a party at my own place. Sounds weird right. Obviously I am referring to cs' and my new place. We had a BBQ party by the pool earlier tonight. Photos next time when I am more awake. Wee lee and I both fell asleep in the living room by about midnight while our other (better or worse in this case) halves battled it out on Wii.

Exhausted by the swimming, eating and cleaning that I wanted nothing more than to fall into bed fully dressed. Its times like these that I wish cs and I actually live there already.

All the pieces are almost in place. The kitchen cabinets should arrive within these two weeks. Deposit already paid for. Curtains for upstairs should be within these few days. The bedroom set that we ordered are coming next month after the curtains. After we finished painting the bedroom upstairs. So far all the pieces are slowly coming together.

I am glad because at times it seems like time passes so fast and yet so slow. Our friends have been over to the new place several times already and yet we have not officially moved in yet. We have not looked at any auspicious date to move in. We have not lit any fires in the house yet.

Traditional thinking? Yes. But I believe that we will gain more in the long run to be traditional at times like this. No harm doing it the old (and maybe right) way anyway..

Speaking of auspicious dates, most Chinese couples consult them for weddings as well. One of the conversation topics tonight was the wedding date: Oct 10 2010. 10/10/10. One of our friends' is getting married on that date. Supposedly its a very popular day for couples. So that means 11/11/11 next year should be popular too eh?

Oh yea I forgot to mention why I am awake still right. It is public holiday tomorrow. Hari Malaysia. Newly enacted Malaysia day this year. The first publicly declared public holiday this year! Good news indeed!

I am jumping from topic to topic now but whatever. My brain is overworked and tired. I slept 3 hours earlier only to wake up to a terrible headache. Something/someone is pounding on my temples now. Help me~ So why am I not in bed? Cos I know I cant sleep with this headache so here I am trying to wear myself out even more.

I am afraid - no make that terrified - of lying in bed and not being able to sleep. I think that is why I drink. Part of the reason. But it was definitely the main reason why I started drinking at home every night in the first place. There. I said it. Yes. I HATE that feeling. Lying in bed. Tossing and turning with my eyes wide open. Random thoughts flitting through my head. Bad bad bad.

Which begs the question. Why did I have trouble sleeping then?

Currently, I am aware that I am one of those lucky bitches who should have nothing to complain about and thus nothing to keep me awake at night. Yes I know. But on those occasional occasions when I do have things on my mind like tonight, I am reminded of those days in 2006 and 2008. The ultimate low points in my life when it all started.

I wonder was there any way I could have stopped it from happening? Probably not. To use a cliched line, I don't regret any things in my past. No really. It has really (cliched again) made me stronger. But I wonder if things had turned out differently. If I had taken the other road. If I had been well, stronger back then. How would I be today?

I have a problem with self control. My problem is, I have no self control at all. Literally. Nada. None. Yes. I admit. I am lousy. I am weak. In more ways than one, if you know what I mean. I would like to think that I am better now though. Alas. I fear not.

My brain is working over time now on really low sleep so I am being very truthful. I wonder if I will regret this in the morning. Probably not cos really..does anyone even know what I am talking about now?

I am feeling particularly rebellious now and I don't know what is bringing this on. When I am feeling like this (not very often nowadays), all I have to do is look back on those photos and think oh yea. Those were the days. And then: thank God I'm nothing like that now.

But now. I feel like........I want a tattoo again. I'll hide it from cs if I have to. No idea how - haven't worked it out how to hide it from him. I have always wanted a tattoo. No, I am not afraid of the pain. I was more afraid of the wrath of boyfriends. Yesh I am useless. To an extent lar.

My ex hated tattoos. Hated them so much that he told me he would break up with me if I had a tattoo. It was so bad that it was kinda like a phobia for him. Or worse.. He could not bring himself to even watch porn if the guy or girl had a tattoo. To him, if I had gotten myself a tattoo, it would be over between us forever cos there was no way in hell that he could bring himself to touch me..

Before him, I wanted one. Oh yes..I wanted a tattoo so bad. But I could not decide on a design. I did not want to regret it. I don't want to regret on a design. To this day I still have not made up my mind.

Back then, I wanted this:

I also could not decide on where to put it. Or how big it should be. God help me. Give me the strength to not run off to get a tatt tomorrow. Wrath of boyfriends indeed. Would cs mind now? Would he be upset? Yes and no. Yes, cos obviously I am being very irrational right now. No, cos if it was what I really wanted, he would relent in the end..

I forgot one very important person. Dad. Dear old daddy. He has a tattoo which he got when he was about 16. Which he wishes he could get rid of. So yea. Guess what he would say to me~

Surprisingly though, I actually am feeling calmer writing or venting to this blog. Right now. Cool. I have forgotten this feeling. I used to write very often when I am feeling like this. As if I have loads of pent up energy. I am feeling kind of deflated right now. Which is a good thing. Cos it means I can finally sleep..

Writing this post has made me realized that I have changed (not again Amy). No seriously. Looking back on those photos now, I was so rebellious back then. I had no purpose in life except to have fun everyday. To go out and drink every day and night. Hang out with friends, all of whom I have not kept in touch with.

If I had any regrets at all, it would be this. Sigh. Why didn't I make a better effort to keep in touch with everyone?

I was blinded by the despair I felt at that time. It seems to trivial to me now. So small. Why didn't I keep in touch? My fault and no one else. It seems so pointless and so unbelievable to me now.

Did I really felt like dying because of this? Why was I so self destructive because of this? Silly really.

I can smile now. Funny really. How trivial those problems seem to me now. How I felt so alone during those times.

I feel lighter just thinking about this. Now, I am no longer alone. Or I like to think so.

In love, I have always been the type to "dare to love, dare to fall in love. Be it one day, two days, three days, dare to love, give up everything, don't hold back - that type of girl"

But it also means that when you get heart broken - fuck this shit its ten times worse. When you give everything, you also lose everything.

But then again, isn't that the whole point of being in love? Dare to love! Give everything. Get heartbroken. Love again.

That is how I look at it anyway. With cs now, I feel safe. Secure. I know without a doubt that he is giving me everything, loving me with all that he has.

How do I know? I don't. Its a gut feeling.

If he cheat on me, how?

Like that lar. Cry, drink. Routine continues a year. I feel like getting a tattoo again.

But I will meet someone else. Life moves on~~I will love again.

The other day, cs and I were talking about this. If one of us (Choi choi touch wood) died, how would life be for the other one?

I said: I hope that I die before him. I cant imagine life without him now.

To my surprise, cs nodded and said yes, I hope so too.

Utterly disbelieved, I asked: why???

He stated: How will you live without me? I don't want you to be hurt or cry or miss me. So its better if u die first, so I will be the one sad and crying. Not you..

My heart almost stopped beating.

He said it so matter of factly that I knew it could only be true. He really does hope this will happen.

I don't care what u think but that is the most touching, romantic thing he could have said to me at that moment.

So I shall end this post with a few photos of us..

Good night. I think I can sleep now~~


1 comment:

cs said...

I love u too.. :)