Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Have faith

I have delayed writing this post for quite some time. Each time, i hope that ah boi will get better. He will. He must! But as each day passes, he just deteriorates further. At first, his hind/back legs were weak. Then slowly his two back legs...they were not working at all. He was just dragging himself forwards on his two front legs. The soles of his feet were very red and chafed. Asked the vet but they had no idea. Instead, they asked us: how did that happen? Sigh.

Mar 23 2006, when both eyes were still ok. His right eye has been glazed over for quite some time.

In the beginning: He could not climb up onto his favorite chair. He had difficulty climbing up and down the steps. At least he could still walk. He had to try once, twice, three times before he managed to climb up the steps.

Now, he can't walk. He drags himself around. He is short of breath. Panting and wheezing so much that he gave up eating bones. It takes too much energy to bite on his bones. He just looks like he is in pain. And I suspect he has chest pains too. He lies on the floor panting, kind of like asthma. Sometimes he just keeps gagging. Like something is choking him. And he can't breathe..

When he was still so fluffy. His fur has fallen out so much already. Like an old man, hair starts to fall. He used to love gnawing on bones. Now he pushes them out of the way cos he can't eat them anymore...

He used to walk around in circles around the house out of breath. We thought he was too fat. It is actually quite true. He is obese. But at least he was fine. When he had difficulty walking, we stopped giving him snacks. Made him go without. Forced him on a diet.

Ah boi is disgruntled in mum's arms.

But it doesn't make any of us happy, denying him food. Food is probably the only thing he loves. He sleeps more and more everyday. When he is awake, he struggles to get up now and drags himself on two front legs to get a drink of water, or to go to the back door where we normally open the door for him to pee. Struggles. Cos he goes two steps and falls onto the floor. At first, we thought he was stumbling a lot. Bumping into chairs, tables, closets and everything. Then he fell a lot. Then he just can't walk. Vet said he has arthritis.

He doesn't have the energy to drag himself. I suspect that he can hardly see or smell straight/right too. He cannot see the dinner I have brought him. He doesn't know that it is right there in front of him. It is so heartbreaking seeing him like this..

He used to have long fluffy curly fur/hair. Now he is almost bald.

Oh god. Don't do this to me.

Ah boi was born in this house (old house). Its his world, his life. When we tried to bring him to the new house, he was so scared. He just kept pacing around, demanding to be brought back home. To his home. He is about 15 years old this year. So old. Sigh. The vet doesn't even believe it when we told them our dog is that old. They were so skeptical. It wasn't until they examined ah boi properly that they believed us. Stupid. Why would we lie about his age???? Something to be proud of? Retards!

His situation is getting worse every day. We took him to the vet(s) again and again. They told us the same thing: there is nothing they can do. He is old. These are symptoms.

I don't want to believe them!!

It hurts to watch him like this. He can't walk properly. He relies on us completely now.

In the beginning, he lifted one leg to pee. Then it was standing on all fours. Now he lies down or stumbles around when peeing.

Bear in mind that this happened in two short weeks, at most. How did he get so bad, so fast??? And why is there nothing we can do? Nothing the doctors can do? So we just watch him like this?

We brought him for painkiller shots. Just in case he was in pain. Doctor asked if he still eats? Yes. He does. He eats. To which the vet said: good. that's good.

Its small comfort.

Mum voiced out that forbidden thought earlier this evening: putting him to sleep.

Every part of me wanted to scream NO NO NO NO NO!!!

But how could we go on like this? Watching him get worse and worse each day, while all we could do was stand by and watch?!!!

Screw whatever you're saying about us being inhumane.

When the time comes, we would do it. Put him out of his misery. God I can't. I just can't watch him like that. We have watched over him for 15 years. Ever since he was born, he has been with us. He is a part of the family.

A younger ah boi and a younger me...

I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish.....

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