I have a confession

I'm desperately trying to stay positive. To feel blessed. To not be irritated. But I'm trying so hard.

I have no idea why I'm feeling so restless.

I want a change. I said that weeks ago. This "phase" that I'm going through: I have no idea what brought it on.

I'm eating normally, and not drinking too much. Promise.

In the beginning, I blamed it on my hormones. Bloody period (overused pun) when are you coming? Late by two weeks (TMI?) is enough to make my hormones and temper go crazy. 

Then when that time of the month passed, now I wonder, what is it then?

Cs has already mentioned it to me oh-so-casually (twice): you're quite cibai ho? And another time: chiang hua hen pu bo ho?

Erm yeah. Thing is, I know it! There are times when I feel so ashamed (cos I'm a fucking lucky bitch already!), and I apologize to him very sincerely, and make an effort to be a loving wife again.

I'm sorry baby. 

Ok enough of that.

I wrote a post last month I think when I was feeling very loved by him. Wait I go search for it.



*****

After we got married, there are two questions people tend to ask you:

How is married life, and are you pregnant yet?

Forget question 2 for now.

Focus on question one. In the beginning, I always answer: its the same or just ok lah. I sound unsure and stupid. Its cos its too soon to have an answer. Don't ask me that in a week or two. Its too soon.

They say the first year is the hardest. Well, I agree. In the first year, we were getting used to being married. The commitments. No mentions about "divorce". We are in this together. We will grow old together. We learn to give each other space. We learn to live together, and we learn new things about each other. Still. After so many years, you would have thought there is nothing new about each other already.

It has been one year plus now. Almost two years.

Touch wood. (Superstitious me).

But I feel like I can answer question one properly now.

I love married life!

I love knowing that there's someone who will always have your back, who will always be with you through thick or thin, through sickness and in health, through good or bad.

I don't know how to put it, but after a year of being together 24/7, I feel as if we have grown. Even more. As a couple. As a married couple.

He puts up with my hot/bad temper, my impatience, and I put up with his careless-ness, absent minded-ness.  And erm what else? I can't think anything bad about him. Hahahh this sounds super unbelievable, I know.

But its true. I feel like I have the perfect guy.

I had such a bad day today. Nothing is going my way. My right arm hurts (sprained it about a week already but I'm lazy to go into details), which caused my right shoulder and neck to hurt, and my period is not here, hence my mood swings (or so I like to blame), and my right side hurts on and off (no idea why), and I feel restless cos of work. Point is bad day, so no use repeating.

But Cs came to pick me up from work, whisked me off to dinner and happy hour drinks to cheer me up. I curled up around him and it just occurred to me: I love being with him. He lets me sit there, moody and angry (at nothing it seems), and just tries to make me smile again.

Thing is, I know that my behavior has been really bad this week in particular. Sorry but I blame period again. I even whatsapp-ed him at work today and apologized (out of the blue) cos I know I'm wrong. I said I don't know why myself. I try to cheer myself up, I listen to music, but the slightest thing irritates the hell out of me. Sorry baby.

Yeah, point is. Where was I?

****

Yeah apparently this is more proof of my bad attitude. Heh.

Good thing is, I snap out of it pretty quickly. It comes and goes. Music cheers me up so I'm almost always listening to music all the time now. :)

I'm now listening to Safe and Sound by Taylor Swift (Jayesslee cover).

Happy times.

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